Heartbreak can teach you things. Things you can learn from a failed relationship!

Relationships are easy and then they are not. Any relationship is built with a lot of patience, understanding and variation of expectations. Though people commit because there is a strong conviction of positivity they feel in being together. What they forget is that what they are at that point in time, is just part of the long path they are travelling to become what they are meant to be. There is no finality. There is no end to who you will be. It's like "you are not entirely you" even when you take leave from the form you are in now. Life and beyond is a process of metamorphosis.

And then, when it comes to falling in love, it calls for transcending any bar set on behaviour, attitude or regulations. The most crucial reason a relationship is pushed to the point of a heart break is "failure of being you"! 

Yes, indeed, the truth is no matter what, you yourself will be responsible for changes in your relationship quotient because you are continuously changing! 

For reasons of set notions, we term that as selfishness in relationships. And then to battle it out, we ignore ourselves. We try improvising for our partner. We win their approval of us but miserably fail ourselves. And your partner too will regard the same thumb rule of being as human as possible.  

Quoting ~ Ankur Warikoo, Cofounder& CEO, ...nearby.com

"Once you trust someone, this is what you don’t do We humans have this rather unfortunate habit of checking the strength of our relationships, every how and then Let’s see if he calls me today

Let’s see if he picks up my phone if I call him right now

Let’s see if they figure out this loophole without me pointing to it

Let’s see if I can trust this person Here is the deal about trust

The minute you test it, you have broken it Trust shouldn’t be tested

It is either earned or established through conduct To test trust, is to not have it!!"

Nevertheless, beyond reasons of trust we have heartbreaks due to incompatibility, changed life course and more.

But, then heartbreaks work as "Lighthouses" and gives us the opportunity to learn from our mistakes, re-learn, give another chance and more...

You stay in a lighthouse and look at all directions and decide:  where to sail, 

whom to navigate through the harbour, 

when to keep silent during war, 

when to guide the ship and align through a narrow channel and 

when to weather a stormy night. 

The following three "Lighthouse check-points" will help you get into, be in and get out of a relationship: 

1. Self-mentor

Be your own mentor. Sit down and ask yourself. How did you find yourself in the relationship you are sharing with a certain person? Let it be your boyfriend, husband, fiancé or live-in-partner.

Remember the question is pointing to you and not how others are behaving in that relationship. At times, we are our own problem creator. We think we need certain reliability or demand a feeling we share with others. The truth is that it is highly possible we don't need to give our time, energy and space. Let us be crystal clear with ourselves.  

2. BCF Equation 

BCF stands for Biology, Chemistry, and Financial. Make sure both of you are comfortable sharing yourself with each other. The physical relationship is too crucial to miss out on. It's a sensitive topic but, crucial to the continuity of all-inclusive habitat you are building around you. Build a gradual easiness of talking about your expectations around it. 

Chemistry is not just your instant law of attraction but, also your maturity in respecting your lifestyle, work commitments, morality and concepts in life.

Financial standing and growth, and contribution to mutual growth prospects and career, business is a significant discussion to have at the start and then periodically. 

3. Core heartbreak index

This is the stage where you know that it's no point going forward. However, still, there is this last little step in the form of an activity you can do before you announce it to your partner.

Create an index table and place all your expectations and complains you had from the particular relationship in one vertical column. 

Do the same for your partner in another column leaving a gap of two columns in-between.  Match it out ..Think out and check on every situation where it was over-estimation, underestimation or unfair reasons. Give one point for each other. 

Gather what you learned from this activity. And arrive at what you were over-thinking, getting obsessive about or denying your partner the benefit of the doubt. 

Relationships need nurturing. They have an entity of their own which needs constant attention, pampering and constructive dialogue. 

Be aware towards it's requirement and energy movement.

Worse, if you want to end the relationship and move on, still the Light house check point will help you get over a failed phase and beat your heartbreak gloom.

Best to you all. 

'Me' Time With My Mind, Body And Soul

Writing a post on "My 'Me' time" would have been a completely different flair, if I wrote it just as a wife or a mother or both. But, I really wanted to make this attempt to write to our young maidens, spunky teenage girls and badaas single working professionals too. So this goes for all of us beautiful girls and woman. Kindly share this post with young girls in your family, friends, social circle who need the 'Me' time strategy before they start sharing their life. Because the sooner they start to infuse ‘Me’ time into their life the better it gets.

Firstly, what does 'Me' time actually mean?

Is it a solo holiday we take?

Is it the weekend we planned to be away from our family?

Is it the shopping therapy?

Is it the sudden scrambling friends night out?

Or anything else which takes off our mind from the present to be in this bubble which will eventually burst when the clock rings the alarm?

The whole idea around 'Me time' is so not in place.

We are confusing our bucket list with our 'Me' time.

These are two different things and need separate treatments.

How is what I try to throw some light on as we move on..

Our 'Me' time covers all aspect of Mind. Body. Soul.

So considering the same, we need to touch each aspect of these in ourselves.

1. MIND and 'Me' time

Me time is meeting yourself in totality. Not just looking at the reflection in the mirror but, entering it to explore yourself in your world inside. A healthy inside is an happy outside. Balancing and tuning your energy levels at all times is very important.

You can do these through two tools of self-engagement:

- Personal Journal - Making notes of your everyday life helps you keeping your life on track. It helps discovering things about yourself you didn't know.

- Meeting new people - Making acquaintances and new friends is a great way to know yourself better. Also it helps in broadening your thought process, your grasp on varied subjects, diversity skill ultimately making you a great conversationalist.

2. BODY and 'Me' time

Me time is a daily dose of respect you give yourself for the wonderful things you do at work and home. It's part of your daily routine. It could be at a stretch or in parts too which is preferable.

You can infuse the following into your lifestyle:

- an early morning walk with your favourite music or 10 min meditation

- a mid-noon refreshing natural drink or a fruit you like

- an evening dance class to grow your talent and passion parallel to your career goals

3. SOUL and 'Me' time

Me time is all about being kind to oneself. Do not overwork or overdo things, do not loose hope and certainly do not try to impress anyone. If someone will love you for who you are. They will reciprocate with all their might. Treat yourself with an "handle with care" label because you deserve it.

Now all this can transform into action only when you feel connected to not just your family but, your community and the cosmos. What are you in this huge big round planet earth of ours? The soul is connected directly to what nature offers us, and so we need to be it's friend as well.

- Plant a tree, Adopt a tree or a little patch of land and start gardening. Your relationship with something which erupts from the soil you touch will open your eyes to what a brilliant gift you are to work with nature and bring about life. Remember, we are made of the same content earth is made up of. 70% water 30% soil, fire, metal, wood. We are one. And because we separate ourselves from what nature holds and push ourselves into artificial environments, we loose touch with our soul.

- Believe or not, kindness is the biggest factor in making human life exist. As humans we all need a little potion of magical kindness to be in each other's life. Small little services like if you find an elderly not able to carry their bags. Help them out. Or if you find street children in the traffic signals, connect with an NGO and find a solution. Be part of the intervention. We humans belong to each other so deeply and each of us leave a soulful imprint on each other.

Be happy with all your mind, body and soul for a better life through a planned 'Me' time!

Under The Pretext Of A Progressive Indian Family

I never believe a word will ever become cliche with my belief in Karma. But, then the word “Progressive” does annoy me much with its super saver status on many matrimonial platforms. “The boy belongs to a progressive family!”. Now, does this mean financially progressive ? or mentality progressive? Progressing towards what? The alarming rate at which this word has been brewing over a decade now makes it for a rustic topic to write on. And so here I am giving “Progressive” a deep cut from it’s routine of just being there to lure the nuptial ties.  

The truth is that I am one of those never doubting naive souls who got overtaken by the power of the word “Progressive” (from a mentality perspective of being an open-minded family) when I tied knots. And it did cost me much turbulences to understand very early on in my journey as a married woman that the word “Progressive” actually means the “Big Unsatisfying Ego” of the family of the mentioned “Cultured and Clean Boy” who want their respective stake in every move that this wedded couple will take in their life long journey together.

During my twenties, I used to turn my judgmental knob to the loudest, mostly when I knew of a person who has hurt me or my loved ones. Though by the time I got married which was on the verge of me entering my thirties, I had slowly come to practice, the way of life where I do not get into conversations which belittle people. I was quite mature in understanding my needs in life and my craving for where I want to go.

But, “Under the pretext of a progressive Indian family” it became real tough not to wear the bitching cape and dance to the tunes of deliberate procrastination which my mother-in-law threw on me because she could not see the ideal daughter-in-law in place. The deal she wanted to strike with her son was remake her and let her suit our needs. Well the “our needs” was actually “her need” to show to the world that she will forever be the ruling queen and I, just a subdued and submissive puppet like what our age old trusted culture expects of daughter-in-laws.

My realization on to not to give her what she wants and that “ignorance is not bliss” in my case, took a long time. I accepted that the dynamics of life rolls it's dices to show us its different sides. People behave so different in changing surroundings and time boxes. Here, I had to be the change. I cannot be simply me but, someone who will stand up to confront the undeserving attitude. I did face it and behaved different from what the society expects of any daughter-in-law who is supposed to enter the family as a daughter. But, when I was never taken in as a daughter why will I need to express my gratitude?

Today, I was reading this write-up by Sadhguru “Mother-in-law demystified”. Read it here -http://isha.sadhguru.org/blog/lifestyle/relationships/mother-in-law-demystified/

So true, many a mother-in-laws and even sister-in-laws seem to suffer from a crab mentality. Under the overdose of their patriarchal state of mind, neither do they want to fly away and neither they want women who walk into their households to get ahead of them. This is akin to the mentality of crabs. When you put many crabs together in a bucket, none of them will be able to crawl out, because while one crab tries to get out, the other pulls it down and in the process no crab manages to get out since they all impede each others progress.

For many Indian Families, the word “progressive” is like a defense mechanism to protect their ego like a consolation prize, a fantasy that they repeatedly play out in their heads to make themselves believe that the competitor family or their daughter isn't that successful after all. Relationships fall out very badly when sometimes these mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws thrive on others failures and derive sadistic pleasure from their pain without realizing that doing this does NOT take them ahead. You cannot become taller by cutting of someone's legs.

The truth in life is that no amount of competition or jealousy is going to stop us from realizing that as social beings we all want to co-exist happily ever after. And words like “progressive” need to be taken down.

The recent advertisement by “All out India”, questions this very hidden essence of Indian families under the pretext of being progressive. We the women are the change who can bring up the gender equality index. 

#StandByToughMoms

Will Marraige work for me?

The opening quote from ‘Pride and Prejudice’ read “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.”

And I just so refuse to relate to it in the 21st century!

Through our naive learning routes, most of us saw our parents, living a very typical marriage life. Firstly, traditional grounds pull us to be connected to society through the institution of marriage; second,  getting onto the management of finances becomes easier and third, the family gets a final stamp with children entering life through wedlock. In a general circumstance, this is what each of us believed in as children and teenagers. And then we grew up suddenly to the realities of adulthood, and questioned a lot more and pondered about the sacrifices our mothers told they made or the risks our fathers took for the sake of the happiness of the family.

And suddenly, things didn't make sense !!

"Time all along has been so hell bent on bringing in radical changes in a Man's need for a woman & a woman's yearning for a man!”

Conversations with women my age and much younger is typically ending with them asking me "Why should I get married?" and indeed being already married with a child I stammer a bit and rush out a few words.

But, thinking with all my might I do agree that we already hitched ones, ourselves have this colossal question staring at us point-blank. “How do we reinvent marriage to hold the essence of what means to us most in life when it comes to we wanting to spend life with our partner sharing the same aspirations or may be not?”

I tell my women friends calmly later, start with answering this simple question together with any of your prospects and if the answers you both get seem quite convincing, go for it then. The question is, “How do two people strategically grow in a marriage making a foundation so strong that the marriage belongs to both of you rather than look like some custom or culture in a staggering loop for a very very long time now?”

Breaking down this complicated question also calls for a great amount of self-awareness.

You will be able to break the code through these tools of Self-Awareness.

Do I have time for marriage? Share my time with someone else?

What are the reasons I want to get into wedlock?

Am I game to share professional and personal growth? The puzzle of shifting sides on household chores, financial stability and emotional investment.  

How easily do I accept change? Because that is the only permanent thing in life, inclusive of marriage. People change, I will change, my partner will change. Will I be able to cope with those changes and carry forward and grow the marriage?

Am I comfortable sharing my intimate time with someone? How open I am to talk about my body, its needs to be caressed and felt? Am I ready to experiment with what my partner will have in mind?

What are my strong points and weak points when it comes to relationships? Am I detached? Am I an introvert, extrovert or ambivert?

Society and customs ..does it matter? To what extent?

What are my spiritual inclinations?

Is economic independence core to survival? Would I want my partner to have their finances planned independently or shared?

Raising a Child, needs raising yourself first! So are you well prepared to take the responsibility of another human being in your life?

The radical changes in relationships of the 21st century are bringing marriage to the the crossroads of a choice.

Marriage is no longer a sacrifice or risk. It is no longer a traditional custom. It is not some accidental turnover of events. It is not what the TV soaps or movies show us. It is not some lifestyle appealing proposition where young girls are given the spades to dig their ground and build a mutual foundation.  

Looking at some figures of the Indian Singles Market, we have a male and female ratio of 1:10. Yes, that’s shockingly, true.

Where are the men?

Is this a gender imbalance we have been building over years now ? or

Are these missing men still riding on an ironical high mocking at the rise of the true prioritized woman? or

Have the men found their chances in and with other genders too? Because being a male has also not been so easy in the savage patriarchal and blocked up society of ours.   

Well, this surely calls for another story altogether.

Meanwhile, priorities are on a high. Changes are coming at turbo-speed giving way to some evolving societal changes or even a revolution for and through the millennials.

Marriage is indeed a choice today. But, yes more than men, it is the women who are ready to leave their comfort zone and enter into experimentation all for the good of ending our old foul patriarchy.