Heartbreak can teach you things. Things you can learn from a failed relationship!

Relationships are easy and then they are not. Any relationship is built with a lot of patience, understanding and variation of expectations. Though people commit because there is a strong conviction of positivity they feel in being together. What they forget is that what they are at that point in time, is just part of the long path they are travelling to become what they are meant to be. There is no finality. There is no end to who you will be. It's like "you are not entirely you" even when you take leave from the form you are in now. Life and beyond is a process of metamorphosis.

And then, when it comes to falling in love, it calls for transcending any bar set on behaviour, attitude or regulations. The most crucial reason a relationship is pushed to the point of a heart break is "failure of being you"! 

Yes, indeed, the truth is no matter what, you yourself will be responsible for changes in your relationship quotient because you are continuously changing! 

For reasons of set notions, we term that as selfishness in relationships. And then to battle it out, we ignore ourselves. We try improvising for our partner. We win their approval of us but miserably fail ourselves. And your partner too will regard the same thumb rule of being as human as possible.  

Quoting ~ Ankur Warikoo, Cofounder& CEO, ...nearby.com

"Once you trust someone, this is what you don’t do We humans have this rather unfortunate habit of checking the strength of our relationships, every how and then Let’s see if he calls me today

Let’s see if he picks up my phone if I call him right now

Let’s see if they figure out this loophole without me pointing to it

Let’s see if I can trust this person Here is the deal about trust

The minute you test it, you have broken it Trust shouldn’t be tested

It is either earned or established through conduct To test trust, is to not have it!!"

Nevertheless, beyond reasons of trust we have heartbreaks due to incompatibility, changed life course and more.

But, then heartbreaks work as "Lighthouses" and gives us the opportunity to learn from our mistakes, re-learn, give another chance and more...

You stay in a lighthouse and look at all directions and decide:  where to sail, 

whom to navigate through the harbour, 

when to keep silent during war, 

when to guide the ship and align through a narrow channel and 

when to weather a stormy night. 

The following three "Lighthouse check-points" will help you get into, be in and get out of a relationship: 

1. Self-mentor

Be your own mentor. Sit down and ask yourself. How did you find yourself in the relationship you are sharing with a certain person? Let it be your boyfriend, husband, fiancé or live-in-partner.

Remember the question is pointing to you and not how others are behaving in that relationship. At times, we are our own problem creator. We think we need certain reliability or demand a feeling we share with others. The truth is that it is highly possible we don't need to give our time, energy and space. Let us be crystal clear with ourselves.  

2. BCF Equation 

BCF stands for Biology, Chemistry, and Financial. Make sure both of you are comfortable sharing yourself with each other. The physical relationship is too crucial to miss out on. It's a sensitive topic but, crucial to the continuity of all-inclusive habitat you are building around you. Build a gradual easiness of talking about your expectations around it. 

Chemistry is not just your instant law of attraction but, also your maturity in respecting your lifestyle, work commitments, morality and concepts in life.

Financial standing and growth, and contribution to mutual growth prospects and career, business is a significant discussion to have at the start and then periodically. 

3. Core heartbreak index

This is the stage where you know that it's no point going forward. However, still, there is this last little step in the form of an activity you can do before you announce it to your partner.

Create an index table and place all your expectations and complains you had from the particular relationship in one vertical column. 

Do the same for your partner in another column leaving a gap of two columns in-between.  Match it out ..Think out and check on every situation where it was over-estimation, underestimation or unfair reasons. Give one point for each other. 

Gather what you learned from this activity. And arrive at what you were over-thinking, getting obsessive about or denying your partner the benefit of the doubt. 

Relationships need nurturing. They have an entity of their own which needs constant attention, pampering and constructive dialogue. 

Be aware towards it's requirement and energy movement.

Worse, if you want to end the relationship and move on, still the Light house check point will help you get over a failed phase and beat your heartbreak gloom.

Best to you all. 

How I Stopped My Child From Talking Back To Us!

I suppose children start talking at their own pace. Some I have seen start as early as even 10 months with just the sound of a word or two. And some may be as late as 3.5 years. I have a nephew who started that late. My son was whistling and cheering away with sounds surprisingly at 2.5 months plus and then there was some silence. Finally he started talking a few words at 1.2 year. It was pretty interesting to know and hear how he started relating the features of anything to the words . So even if we said water, he said, "gagaa" - the gurgling sound from the water tap. The spoon became "Clee", the cluttering sound of steel spoons and ladles. We said horse, he would say,"tokada tokada"the trot the horse covered. It was amazing how this 1.2 year old was building his vocabulary through exposure to his senses - see, hear, smell, taste and touch. And I was happy everything was just going well on the milestones front.

It all began at the start of his 3 years span, that's when I suddenly experienced this urge in him to start getting adamant and showing tantrums for even small things. A incessant talker, he surprised us with his argumentative skills. Though it was great to see how even with his still naive, small and short vocabulary he was trying to hold claim over his wishes and needs. It was getting difficult for me to make him stop and hear out what I or his daddy would like to say. I gave it some time and thought it will fade away. However, it grew into the "talking back" phase where the thin line between discipline, respect and natural independence started condensing.

I grew anxious each day and was a bit clueless on how to bring the change in a 3 year old child. The following questions were something which popped-up on my mind -

Q1. Were Me or my husband so hyper-active and talkative when we were young?

Q2. How do I stop my son from talking back at me?How do I make him understand the dwindling line he is crossing when he plans to disrespect me with his back talks? and why he should learn to develop listening skills (giving more attention to the hearing sense)

Q3. Which parenting style, we as parents are following to make him a calm child and follow the natural growth process to span out as much as possible?

I started working backwards and forwards to get answers to the above questions and started building a tactics plan.

Also the answer to question 1 came a "Big Yes" from my parents and his. And so I knew it's pretty normal to be hyperactive then. :) I built the "acceptance" in me that my son will be more on the free thinking side of conversing. And that's how our immediate environment - Family & Friends are resounding to be for him to observe and throw back his talking in a muddled style.

The tactics plan here was that of "Fine tuning our talks at home and the body language".

We as adults and parents had to show him how we can quietly stand or sit, look into each others eyes, hold our hands, smile, sometimes give a hug or caress and talk in short sentences. I knew he will observe the peace, love and patience we showcase. And so he did! Feat no 1!

The tactics plan where we use respectful language and vocabulary

I have always been of the opinion that respect comes from good deeds and actions we take, rather than the demand of age. It has been my personal belief that one needs to respect these little human beings who are so miraculously different from each other. Each is a born star with a different trailblazer . So our daily routine became full of new words like "Thank you" for work done, "You are great!" for a tiny task, "Please" for an urgent work, "I am so sorry" for some mistake I deliberately created, "Excuse me" for showing that even we adults need space. And so on and so forth. It worked wonders. Feat no 2!

The tactics plan of following a combination of three parenting styles

1. democratic or authoritative style with some clear rules

[eg: The rule of having circle time at night, sometimes we used to have grandma join us]

2. permissive style with some indulgence

[eg: Have junk food once in a while]

3. emotionally intelligent style with self-understand, mindfulness and empathy.

[eg: understand and talk about how everyone we know are so different in their looks and talks]

The deal for this tactics was that all 3 of us will follow the rules, be a little impulsive and drive our emotional responses. It worked wonders. Feat no 3!

Me and my husband worked along with tiny signals, cues and hints to roll out the tactics. And had to control our chuckles all along. :)

As we have been trotting along all these years, it has come to be so true that "Our home is a sanctuary of learning". The very first place where our children observe and sponge up, even before the school or world begin to teach their lessons.

Character Building In Children Through Self-Esteem

It's pretty simple for grown-ups to tell each other during trying times - "Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth".

But, how do we explain this to our children?

How do we build the required mindset in them to know their self-worth and of others?

In this age of extremely high level competition, how do our children cope with the risk of failure?

How does the "Character building" task of parenting roll out?

The answer is quite a long one, because character building is a gradual journey taken up with loads of life skills, experiential learning, emotional forces, mindset patterns and knowledge infused into our daily routines.

Out of the 10 stages of character building task I follow, I will pick the very first aspect of this ever-changing adventurous sail called "Self-Esteem"

What is Self - Esteem?

"Self-Esteem is an inward and outward mirror of a child's personal belief system."

The foundation of self-esteem can be laid best in these 3 given scenarios:

1. Non-Judgmental: A loving and understanding environment, where the child's mistake is not taken to judgement. The absolute downside of parenting in many cases is that many think, children need to be marked on wrong doings and questioned on behaviour. But, for a child, each stage is a learning feat, until the age of 18 when they are completely equipped with the invincible adult mind.  

         PLAN: Stop giving Time-outs, Punishments, or verbal thrashings.

     2. Acceptance: Embracing children for who and what they are, becomes of great value later in life. There are several dimensions to this stage - Personality traits, social interaction, Physical appearance and more. Recognizing children for their unique abilities and accomplishment of challenges goes a long way in building the strongly willed and beautiful person you want your child to be.

         PLAN: Stop Comparing, degrading and unnecessary flattery

     3.Coping with Failure - Acknowledging children for their efforts and helping them coping with setbacks and tiny failures will go a long way in making them confident and cooperative fellow beings. Giving and receiving respect in such mini failures can benefit a great deal to end self-doubts and concentrate on goal-setting.

         PLAN: Start with these tiny plans for both you and your child and keep adding to it every month. Working like partners sharing the credibility of success, stress at work, frustration of failure and celebration of success. 

Quoting Buddha here, who said, “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”.

Children need to experience freedom of self-exploration - Mind. Body. Soul.

If our schedules as working professionals are jam packed with to-do work lists and fancy bucket list during holidays. The children are not much behind with their time-tables completely blocked out of freedom of choice. Moreover the, holiday homework casts a spell of sulking splashed across their faces.

In this scenario, 'the streamlining of expectations' for and from children is sought as the best way forward. It just makes things seem so organized and easier. However, the point is by doing so, we are interfering in the following ways:

1. Curbing and obstructing their natural growth patterns both physically and cognitively.

2. Build automatic reflexes and reactive systems with defined tendencies instead of natural intrinsic and proactive brain and body functioning.

3. Knowingly or unwary, adopting a combination of authoritarian and helicopter parenting which will do no good in the dynamics of social relationships, independent mindset, self-esteem and more. 

Given the above circumstances, there is an immediate need for children to experience freedom of time to explore and balance their own inner & outer energies to trace their unique path.

Other wise we are just on our way to make robots, clones or surrogates out of human children !!!

Chirp Chatter Cheer is striving to develop a human-centered pedagogy to equip children and youth with emotional intelligence techniques and collaborative shared space experiences to translate their inner stories into action with a deep conscious and sub-conscious freedom of self-exploration.

The art work here is part of this initiative delivered through an "Elemental Lifestyle Workshop" this summer.

For organizing such workshops, retreats and labs for children, families, teachers, school management, youth, colleges or corporates, kindly inbox @ chirpchattercheer@gmail.com or buzz me on 7738011066. Follow and Like on FB - https://www.facebook.com/Chirpchattercheer/